33rd / 424th District Courts

The following example will be used as reference for future discovery disputes. :-)

It is with pleasure that I appoint Stephanie Larsen as Poet Laureate of the 33rd Judicial District. The final decision is based on the following poem written by her on the spur of the moment with what some may consider to be divine inspiration:

So I got it for them. This jury is the most animated I've encountered. As is my custom, I'll tease with them some to loosen them up from the arduous task they face, but perhaps I've overdone it with this bunch. At about 2pm the following notes were handed to the bailiff, and thence to me, each from a different juror:

TOUGH LOVE vs. SPANKING

Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so some experts have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments".

One that they found very effective is to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after the little car ride together.

(Updated 4/1/05)

I can't believe I've not been keeping track of these, but better late than never. This item will be updated from time to time.

You may recall my diatribe against the deprecating humor about lawyers. Just say 'no' to that but here is some genuine legal humor. It's billed as 'Notes from the (Legal) Underground -- A weblog that asks the question--Why are lawyers so stuffy?'

I really don't want this venue to become politically charged, but the following has some awful truths with a tad bit of humor.

About Physicians
A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

The case had promised to run long on a Friday and the court reporter had indicated to the attorneys that she had a "date night" coming up and was a little concerned about it. The attorneys graciously had expedited their presentation. Upon adjourning Court I expressed the reporter's probable gratitude, saying "I know the reporter appreciates you, she has a date tonight although it's with her husband and I'm not sure how fun that is." Whereupon an audience member who happens to know the reporter blurted out "I've been with her husband, and he IS fun."

(I just heard about this and it's not in the court yet, so I'll just pass on the rumor)

Couple of juveniles temporarily "borrowed" a car. Had to do a little cruising, don't you see? And when cruising you have to, well, cruise certain places.

Like the high school parking lot. In the heisted car.

Which ran out of gas in the parking lot.

Some guys, if they didn't have bad luck wouldn't h

. . . the evidence, that is. Counsel was beginning the predicate for possible introduction of the evidence which consisted of multiple items. The description was coming somewhat laboriously and I was having difficulty understanding why counsel was stammering. I knew generally what the tangible evidence consisted of and thought the offer to be perfunctory. But it was not turning out that way.

Counsel was an attorney ad litem appointed by the Court to protect the interests of the defendants cited by publication in a tax suit. The evidence consisted of a number of letters where mail had been attempted to a number of possible owners or heirs of owners.

The case had been ongoing for several days. A divorce action, it was particularly contentious and with competent counsel on both sides the battle was engaged. A jury with one alternate had been seated and was intently focused on the testimony.

This particular witness had been on the stand for over an hour with very detailed testimony to offer and the jury had been in the box for the whole time and was getting antsy when the streaking occurred.

A witness had been testifying about being on the Maury Povich show. It was a criminal case but the testimony being elicited by the prosecution really did have some relevance in the punishment hearing at hand. The witness was being questioned about some outrageous statements having been made by him on the TV talk show. Paraphrasing, it went something like this:

Q: So the kind of statements you were making on that show were the type that would hold you up to public ridicule and disdain, is that right?

An indigent defendant was before the bench today and the public defender had a conflict of interest so I was looking around for another attorney to appoint. There was Mr. X handy so I asked "Mr. X I'd like to appoint you to represent Johnny Hijacker here" when he replied "he may not want me to ... I just got my client 150 years yesterday."

The look on the defendant's case was priceless as his head whipped around to look at Mr. X -- the 150 year lawyer. I assured him that the appointment was for arraignment purposes only but I don't think he felt very relieved.

The following paraphrases an event in an actual case ...

Def Atty: Request the doctor step down and examine my client's foot.
(the doc complies)
Doc: (in response to some questions) Looks like burns and cuts on that foot.
Def Atty: Your Honor, request the jury be allowed to examine my client's foot.
The Court: If you think you're going to offer that foot in evidence, forget it.

Many months ago we're in a hearing. A motion was hotly contested. A witness was on the stand and as is often the case, opposing counsel felt the irresistable urge to object. Rising to her feet counsel offered up, with firm conviction in a strong voice "objection mom."

Counsel was immediately flustered and I could not understand the sudden stammering. You see, I had not heard the comment beyond "objection" but of course counsel was certain that I had. I must have seemed awfully calm and collected when I simply ruled on the objection.

In the course of a day the judge comes across a number of motions, some of which are filed pro se by defendants and other parties. Some are more interesting than others.

This defendant moved as follows (paraphrasing, of course):

"Defendant has pled guilty in federal court and will be doing 2-5 years. Defendant requests the Court to dismiss the state charge because he does not want to waste the court's time. Defendant respectfully requests the Court to grant this motion in full, and to mail him a copy of all documents relating to the matter."

Wierd things sometimes happen in the courtroom that catch you totally off guard. A poker face is a good thing for a judge to have. When the witness said that a relative's name -- on the driver's license -- was "Jackass Andy" I almost fell off the bench. Not being sure of what I had just heard I glanced down at the realtime feed from the court reporter and sure 'nuff, there it was: Jackass Andy.